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'I know she cheats on me, but I love her too much to leave'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on October 20 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi there, everyone...welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's get cracking...
kajal asked, I am married and my friend is also married. but suddendly after 5 years we have feeling of love for each other. We ahve agreed that we will continue our affair without affecting our current married life. Should we do that
Love Guru answers, As hard as you may try, it's pretty impossible for an affair not to have an impact on your marriages. Sooner or later your relationships with your partners will crumble, or your affair, or both. It's not as simple as it seems.
hero asked, Hi LG , me and my cousin are in love . She is now married. My problem is that sometimes she call me and says that i am evrything to her and she cant live without me and sometimes she start behaving like a stranger and make me feek that i am harassing her . I am still unmarried and feels very frustrated. What should i do ?
Love Guru answers, Either she's confused about whether to take this forward or not, or then she's very moody. Have a heart-to-heart chat and come to a decision, both of you -- either you get together or then you call things off permanently. Explain to her than it's not fair to you when she keeps blowing hot and cold like this.
kirti asked, i know my love cheats me but i also knows that she loves me the most and i too love her very much...how to handle this situation...as sometimes i come in great depression due to this
Love Guru answers, You're suffering from depression because you are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of -- it's not just your relationship that's getting damaged, it's your self-respect. Maybe she does love you 'the most', as you put it, but obviously, even that 'most' is not enough for her to be faithful to you. You deserve better -- end things and move on.
Indar asked, i am love with a girl from last 4 years but i cant express her my emotions. she is sister my best friend & also she knows that i love her but she cant do anything
Love Guru answers, What do you mean she 'can't do anything'? If you tell her then she'll do something! You've wasted four years, now before another four elapse or some other man with more guts enters the picture and asks her out, you better get down to it! But since she's your friend's sister, I'd suggest you talk to your friend first and explain your intentions.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
'My boyfriend insists I dress provocatively'
Priya asked, I have a problem, my boyfriend insists I dress very provocatively, even though I don't like it. What should I do?
Love Guru answers, He may insist that you're dressing provocatively, but does he also insist on you wearing something else that meets his approval? Insisting on an opinion is one thing, insisting that you do as he wishes is another. And if it's the latter, you can tell him in no uncertain terms that this is who you are and these are the clothes you like, so he has to accept it.
nirja asked, Is it advisable to work after having a kid? Will it impact husband wife relations?
Love Guru answers, That's not a question that can be generalised. It's up to the couple -- if they need the double income, it's not really a choice to be made, it's a necessity. Or a woman may not want to give up on her career and it's her choice to make, but provisions for the child's wellbeing have to be made in that case -- if grandparents and nannies are at hand to help out, it can all be worked around. Personally, though, I do think both parents have to be at a stage in their lives where they are able to give their child adequate attention and quality time.
Rahul asked, Hi Love Guru, I am 23. I liked a girl in my office and proposed her abt a two ago. but she said no. but after that we continued to be friends. but after sometimes we became very close to each other. we started holding hands of each other. sit so close to each other like a couple. even we used to talk late night. we used to even talk like couple. we even hugged each other. she said me she will always be with me in next life she can't get better guy then me. but some 3 months back she got engaged and when i rang up afetr 3 days of engagement she said she loves the other guy to whom she is engaged . how can one fall in love within 3 days. and now she call me up and asks me the name of the restaurant in she i was going take her to candle light dinner so she can go with him.it feels like she is making mockery of my dreams i have seen for her. was ever in love with me?
Love Guru answers, I don't know why she's rubbing it in by behaving this way, but obviously she's trying to still get your attention with such tactics or sending a clear message that she's moved on. So Rahul, I'd suggest you move on too. Maybe she did have feelings for you, but she obviously chose to ignore them. Cut her off -- you can tell her quite plainly that it's ridiculous that she's asking you such questions deliberately to hurt your feelings and also that just an official tag is not what makes up a relationship. She may have said no, but she behaved like your girlfriend, so technically her 'no' didn't amount to much.
nirja asked, Which is better for a newly wedded couple?to stay with in-laws or seperate after getting married? Which one would strengthen their bond?
Love Guru answers, Again, there's no blanket answer to that question. In most cases, I'd say it's advisable to stay separate from the beginning -- that way both parties have their space and can get along much better with a little distance between them. It's certainly preferable to staying together and creating bad blood and then having one couple move out. By then the damage is already done. But of course, there are cases where adjustments have to be made -- like elderly or ailing parents who need care. And sometimes it isn't necessary -- the house is so large that everyone gets their privacy. And there are times when in-laws and their daughters/sons-in-law get along so well that it's good to live together. In-laws are also grandparents and can lend a helping hand in raising your child too.
kirti asked, should i give our relationship another chance...as she confessed her mistakes to me and has also promised to be faithfull
Love Guru answers, Did she confess or did you catch her red-handed?
'I'm scared of a sexual relationship'
lusty asked, i am married and we are a working couple. We use to be romantic in bed every day but not able to convert it to sex because we both are tired of work. According to our own opinion, we are capable of every day sex and should do it atleast on alternate days. any tips to make this possible?
Love Guru answers, If you set a timetable for sex, it's only going to send your sex life down the drain. Who do you have to prove anything to, that you both are insisting on having it every alternate day? Sex should happen when you both want it to -- whether it's on four days consecutively or then once in three weeks. If you both stop pushing yourselves to perform, it'll be better.
swetha asked, hi LG..i'm scared of sexual relationship which affects me in moving close with boyfriends..i've three guys who is crazy on me..
Love Guru answers, I think you're being a little premature thinking of sex even before you're in a relationship -- that's why it's scaring you. And three guys may be crazy about you, but are you crazy about any of them? If not, it's easy to see why you're not eager to start a relationship that entails sexual contact.
neha1 asked, Hi Love Guru,I am a 16 year old girl. I am in love with a guy who is 21 year old.My problem is that he used to fondle my breast and kisses me all over my body when we are alone.Is it normal.Should I continue relationship with him.
Love Guru answers, Yes it is normal for couples to get sexually intimate, but I think you're a little young to be very sexually active -- you're only 16 and you're dating a 21-year-old. A five year gap between partners isn't much, but at this point in time, when you're still a teenager, it is -- I'd suggest going only as far physically as you're comfortable with. You should be mature and capable of handling yourself sexually before you get into bed with anyone.
Sid asked, Hi!!! I have been asking a girl since alomst a year and half. But the girl has not replied yet. I called her one and she hung up. What should I do?
Love Guru answers, Move on already! You've wasted a whole year, she's not interested Sid -- how long are you going to keep trying? Being so insistent is also a major turn-off -- don't come on so strong. If a girl doesn't respond, you have to learn to back off instead of making yourself look so desperate.
sanjay_payal2008 asked, Hi LG, Long back I chatted with you. I found my wife was chatting with ex-boyfrnd abt adult matters and even I came to knw tht they had physical relationship also. After my confrontation she accepted that and committed that she will never repeat it.This happened 2 years back. Now she stopped such things but she still chat with strangers online when I am out of station. From spyware I came to knw that. What shall I do now.
Love Guru answers, What does she chat with strangers online about? Look, having an affair with an ex is quite different from logging into internet chatrooms. So instead of getting uptight about it you can just ask her why she feels the need to talk to random people online. If it's just a harmless pastime and she's not really doing any harm, only talking to people, it's nothing to worry about.
'I told her I'd never marry her, but she still blames and abuses me'
abhi asked, i had a GF who use to love me. but finally we broke up and we both went to different cities, my question is why she call me once in a year or 6 months and says she loves me and from the very next day she ignores me., its been 3 years like this, i love her like anything, what should i do
Love Guru answers, The next time she calls, ask her why she keeps doing this -- either she wants to be with you or she doesn't. And she should make up her mind to either get into the relationship properly again or then let it go once and for all.
qw asked, I have very heartbroken story. We were in 5 yrs long relationship. I clearly told her that I cant marry her because of difference of cast and family related issues. But, she kept me forcing for marriage. Before anything could happend She started trying to commit sucide. I tried my level best to make her understand but failed. Now, I am married with other girl. She went in depression and abused me no. of times. she blaming me for all this. I am very tense and want to talk and resolve the issue at earliest.Please help.
Love Guru answers, You both are to blame for this -- when she knew you wouldn't marry her, she shouldn't have remained in the relationship. And you, knowing fully well what her expectations were, kept leading her on, letting her hope that maybe you would change your mind. Yes, you may have made it clear to her verbally, but you were with her for five long years -- why, if you didn't love her? The poor girl was hoping you would relent if you were with her for so long. There's nothing left to clear up -- you went ahead and married someone else. So if she thinks of you badly and abuses you, live with it. Talking about it or going on prolonging this issue in any way will only make her more miserable. So I think it's better that you live with the guilt, rather than add to her unhappiness, of which you are the cause anyway.
Ashish asked, hi LG I am engaged boy. Some days ago my fiance told me on phone that she had a relationship with a boy around 3 to 4 years ago for a very small time around one month . Now i am confused whether i should continue the relation ship with her or not because i did not have any relationship with any girl. Please suggest
Love Guru answers, What a ridiculous question! If you didn't have a relationship before, that's your loss -- so what if she did? Aren't people allowed to fall in love before they marry, or what? Now tell me something -- if you break off with your fiance, you'll have a failed engagement behind you. And the next girl you meet may say I've never been engaged and you have, so I don't think I should marry you, I should get a boy just like me! You see how stupid these things are? Learn to accept people for who they are and leave the past in the past -- you'll be a better, happier person that way.
britney asked, Hi luvguru .I am married for the last 7 years and have a son 6 years old.I am qualified and me and my husband are working in the same company with same profile. He is a very good man and loves the family a lot.The problem is that if anything goes against his wishes then he is furious like anything and starts abusing me in front of eveyone. He needs to be handled very sweetly and softly but I am a bit rough and call a spade a spade no matter what. I have talked to him to so many times to stop abusing and we can fight like normal couples .He will agree but then again same thing. How to make him understand this? I also agree that 80% of the time it is my mistake which blows away his temperature.
Love Guru answers, In front of everyone, you said -- you mean the office? He yells at and abuses you in front of everyone at the office? What's wrong with you, how can you tolerate such nonsense! And you're letting him bully you and get away with it all the time, no wonder he repeats it! Next time this happens, pack your bags and leave the house -- and refuse to come back unless he apologises in front of everyone just like he abuses! Make him grovel in public and see for a change how humiliating it can be!
Love Guru says, That's all for today, people -- see you next week, same time, same place!