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'She wants a divorce as my work involves travel'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on August 4 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi, folks...welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's commence, shall we?
SP asked, HI lg, I was in relationship and I loved the girl but she said no to me and she says I am a bit psycho. So she left me. I dont see any chances of getting her back. What shud I do in this situation?
Love Guru answers, Why did she say you were a bit psycho? Tell me what happened so that I can help you.
Tinku asked, HOW TO FIND A MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY PURE GIRL FOR MARRIAGE ? As todaya girls are getting characterless day by day..WHAT IS THE SOLUTION ?
Love Guru answers, What do you mean by 'physically pure', hmmm? Look, buddy, if you want a virgin bride, I suggest you let your parents help you out with that, because I frankly don't buy this nonsense about how a girl is supposed to have a blank slate where her past is supposed to be. Falling in love or getting attracted to the opposite sex is normal and every girl has crushes or a relationship growing up. That's normal -- what's not normal is you expecting any different!
SP asked, HI lg, I was in relationship and I loved the girl but she said no to me and she says I am a bit psycho. So she left me. I dont see any chances of getting her back. What shud I do in this situation? I am still in love with her and any how wants to win her heart again. I am not able to go away from her. She says me pstcyo bcoz of high mood swings and a bit unpredictable and weak behaviour
Love Guru answers, Okay, I see. You let your emotions get you carried away and they're in control, not your mind. That's not healthy behaviour and I'm not surprised she wanted to keep you at a distance. No one wants a crazy boyfriend who's moody or unpredictable, I hope you understand that. You need to understand something else too -- getting dramatic and indulging these moods of yours is not going to get you anywhere with any girl. This one's already made it clear that she wants nothing to do with you and you need to respect her wishes. But instead of wallowing in self-pity and getting all dramatic as is your habit, make a decision to face life's disappointments with a little grace and dignity, instead of behaving like a madman. Attraction has to be treated with tact and care, not by acting like this that it scares the other person off. If you find that you can't control your behaviour, I would suggest you seek counselling.
heyo asked, I like a girl. It is a physical attraction. we havenot met each other yet, but we see each other everyday. How do i communicate my interest to her.
Love Guru answers, If you try to communicate your interest at this point, rest assured that she will think you're a nut and want to keep her distance from you. As a stranger, you can't approach a random girl and tell her you're attracted to her, no matter how many times in a day you see her. Next time you make eye-contact, smile at her. In all probability she'll be polite enough to smile back. From that, in about a month or so you can graduate to saying hello and then if the chance arises, see if you can start a conversation. That is provided you both happen to be in the same place at the same time, not by randomly stopping her on the street or something when she's busy on her way!
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
'I just can't buy the idea of her being with someone else before me'
Tinku1 asked, LG, Is it such a crime to expect 'physically and mentally pure' brides ? I just can't buy the idea she being with someone else thus getting impurities into her mind before marriage.Do I deserve to be made fun of as a old-fashioned guy for desiring a pure woman ? I disagree.
Love Guru answers, I'm not making fun of you, Tinku. It's just that your 'expectations' are going to disappoint not only you, but your wife, who, incidentally, is going to be someone with a life too, not someone you own. Let me ask you something -- you may never have been in a relationship, but have you never felt attracted to a girl? It's normal. And if that girl reciprocated, you would be in a relationship with her. That's normal too and the same applies to the opposite sex! Nobody gets into relationships thinking they're only physical or that they won't last! It's just that sometimes they don't, but that doesn't make a person 'impure', as you so crudely put it.
vvs asked, hI LG, I love my niece and was bit physical with her I am 45 yrs age and she is 16 she liked my caressing and kisses but i feel i should not develop this further as i am her uncle and she is very young and sexually quite active i also do not want her to experience the pleasuer i gave her with others unless she become mature enough what should i do?
Love Guru answers, You've already crossed the line with her and yes, you had better stop this from going any further at all or the consequences will be disastrous not only for the two of you, but for the rest of your family. Don't get into any situation that sees you left alone with her or you may in all likeliness weaken your resolve and do something you regret even more. If she's sexually active at 16, that's her call, unfortunately -- the best you can do is advise her to be sensible and mature when it comes to sexual contact. But let me tell you, it's preferable that it's with a boy her own age than you! She's a teenager and she's more equipped to handle a relationship with another teenager, not with a 45-year-old man!
ronie asked, Hi love guru..I am with my girlfrnd for over a year now. The problem is she gets very hyper at small issues, even if its her fault. Sometimes its difficult to keep myself cool and the situation gets worse. She herslf is conscious of her mood swings but shows no effort to control it. I love her a lot but i feel i am not getting the same. Our relationship is fully dominated by her ego and anger. Its getting difficult to tackle her as I am tired of bowing down evrytime to make her happy and make the relation work. Please suggest something.
Love Guru answers, This isn't going to work. Either she makes an effort to control her moodiness or then you'll have to call it quits with her. Ronie, let me tell you why people get moody -- it's because they indulge themselves and the people around them do too. So the more you give in, the more you're encouraging her to behave like this. And it's a disservice to you, her and the relationship. You need to make it clear that she has to change her ways and you're not going to give in to her tantrums anymore. That's it -- if she can hack it and makes an effort to rectify things, great. If not, cut your losses and move on.
joe asked, how do i get rid of emotional stress caused by my Love by having an physical relationship with an other guy and still promise me that i'm the person with whom she want's to lead her entire life and promise me that she will never get into it again. This as shook me completely, as i planned my world around her and she hid this fact from me while in relationship with me through out. Please advice me how to take this forward
Love Guru answers, Did this happen before she got into a relationship with you or has she cheated on you with someone else?
johnbook asked, Hi LG my wife is unable to do certain things (related to mouth) during our intimacy ... earlier she used to do it without any problems. How to convince..
Love Guru answers, Maybe she did it earlier because she felt like she had no choice, although she disliked it? This may be related to matters of personal hygiene, most likely. You can have a frank talk with her and ask her what turns her off sexually and what you can do to rectify the situation, so that she has no problem with it.
'What should I do on our first date?'
joe asked, she was in relationship before and then got to me, we are together for almost four years and i found this only a last month.
Love Guru answers, Look, maybe she should have told you the truth, but the fact of the matter is that she probably didn't because she knew you would take it badly. And sure enough, you have. The reason she hid it is because she doesn't want to lose you. I would say be a little mature about this and handle it right. As I was just explaining to our friend Tinku, no one has the right to judge another's past. You need to get to grips with it -- everyone makes mistakes and you're no exception. If you continue to hold this over your girlfriend's head, bring it up all the time and taunt her about it, you're no man in my eyes, mister. And your relationship is as good as over. So either accept it as a closed chapter in her life (you can, however, explain that her lying was unethical) or then just end things because you grudge what is over and done with before you were even in the picture.
Debasish asked, Hello, I'm Debasish. Currently engage in Pvt. Co. in 5 years. Recently I'm fall in love whose name is Tumpa. She is orphan. She stayed at NGO Firm in last 13 years. Now She is BA final Year. I am going to the NGO firm and proposal to marriage to her guardian. They told me to pl. send my Biodata. Next day Tumpa come to my office and told me that she want to meet me at evening. when I meet on evening and describe my proposal and she accept my proposal. She told me that she is also interested to marry me. But after 2 months she told me that her guardians are not agree to marry. So, she refused me and also told me that she like me but she does not love me. Please sir solve my problem.
Love Guru answers, Look, not having parents, this girl has relied on her guardians her whole life and she's probably not about to go against what they think for a man she met recently, even if she does like him. I would suggest going to meet her guardians and asking why they are against the match, when you're sincere. Try and work it out with them and see where it goes. You can also try explaining to Tumpa that while she owes her guardians a lot, the choice of marriage is hers to make and you in no way want to upset them over anything, so you can't understand why they would reject you.
mandar asked, Hi Love Guru, Iam 44 now. I married at the age of 30 but we do not share good relationship at all right from the beginning. I thought it takes some 2 - 3 years of time to adjust with each other. But even after 14 years its the same. I have two adorable children and both of us know that we are continuing with this marriage just to ensure that the children are not deprived of both the parents. Since last 5 years, we do not even share a bed. Is there any way to improve the situation?
Love Guru answers, Marital counselling. You need it to work through the issues. And if you both want to make this marriage work -- you obviously do, or you wouldn't have stuck it out for 14 years -- you need to try and break the ice. Sit together, talk, try and figure out what went wrong without blaming each other. And Mandar, you can make the first move. You may be surprised at how far this small gesture may go with your wife.
luck asked, hi LG, I was in luv with a girl, and we are good friends..when i asked abt my luv, she said no... i asked for the reasons and she said she already had luv with some other guy. they tried to marry also bt family from came in and didnt succeed... now what i should do as she will remain in front of me almost daily as we both work in same office... But i feel it very difficult to digest as she didn't tell this earlier and its even more difficult to think ahead as i still luv her the most....plz help
Love Guru answers, She has her own love life and her own problems with it. She probably didn't tell you earlier because of the trouble she's having with her family. It's tough for you, I can see that, but in such a situation you really need to let go, even if it hurts. If seeing her at work everyday is getting that difficult, I would suggest moving jobs. A new environment will go a long way in helping you move on.
dialdial asked, Hello Guru...I need some dire help. I proposed to a girl on a matrimonial site and she accepted. We are going to have our first date this weekend. What to do and not? Pleeeeaasse.
Love Guru answers, Good going! First off, be polite, friendly and courteous -- opening the door for a girl, pulling out her chair etc goes a long way in making a good impression. Don't put on a fake accent, cop an attitude or be too desperate to please. No extremes! Be a gentleman and at the same time, let her see the real you. Don't exaggerate anything to give her a good impression. And she'll be nervous too, so you can probably use that as a peg to break the ice!
'I'm struggling with seeing her in the same office each day'
zenmonk asked, LG, mine is a love cum arranged marriage. my wife wants divorce due to my touring job. she is not ready to listen to me. my job requires 5days in a month to be on tour. how do i deal with this situation? pls help.
Love Guru answers, That's a little ridiculous...so because you're away five days a month she wants to leave you? And didn't she know what your job was like when she married you? I think she's just making that an excuse. Tell her to at least level with you and give you the real reason why she wants to leave you.
Dev asked, hi loveguru,im in chennai . i hav a friendin delhi.we used to chat abt official things and became goodfriends. she came to chennai on a offcial trip and we met each other after her office hours are over. i spent 2nights with her in her room just chatting on various topics.i was apprehensive staying in her room but she said she is comfortable with her friends. i know that she had 2 love failures in the past and while chatting with her she tols that it was guys who backed in both the situations.myself and her share same likes & dislikes in almost everthing.she is due for marriage and so do i.after she returned to delhi we used to chat each other till midnight.one fine day i straight away asked her for a marriage. she said she left this decision to her parents. she also felt happy that i was straight forward in my approach.but after this incident, she suddenly started avoiding me . not repling to my text messages. can u tell me what made her to avoid me . also suggest me how to get her back ???
Love Guru answers, That's odd -- she was initially happy with your proposal and then suddenly avoided you? Maybe her parents said no? Or then she met someone else? Either way, contact her in whichever way possible and explain that if it's a no from her, the least she an do is tell you that and give you an explanation why.
vijay asked, hi sir, i was in a rlstship and got separated 3 years ago but i cant for get her her thoughts were killing me still i am unmarried still cant think abt other girl, but she with other guy when i am relathsip with her i found out that and i asked her she said he is my friend friend , but i didnt belive it , she ignored me when ever i used to call her, bcoz of that only she left me after that her parents also came to know she with me .. they also did not accept me. what to do now.. to fget her or search for me try to talkk with her . kindly advice
Love Guru answers, It's been three years. It's time to move on, my friend. This girl ditched you because she found someone else, lied to you about it and didn't stand up to her parents for you. Why are you obsessing over her? She's so not worth it. Make up your mind and do what it takes! Good luck.
Rahul asked, Hi love guru. i am 23 yrs old. i deeply loved a girl in my office. even i proposed her a year back she said no to me. but we still continued to be friends. even in this period of one year we became very close that we used to talk daily on phones even at odd hours. afterwards she started holding my hands and started giving sweet smile. we became so close that we started hugging each other like as normal couples do. last week her marriage has been decided now she dosen't want even talk to me. accordinng to her the past things between us means nothing to her. and now she says she likes other guy to whom she is engaged and she knows that other guy for barely 3 days. i tried to talk to her but she was very rude. she dosent even want to keep my friendship. now i just couldn't concentrate even on my further studies. what do u suggest?
Love Guru answers, I think more than anything she's panicked that no one should get to know about your relationship with her now that she's engaged. She sounds like quite a fool and she hurt your feelings, letting you down badly. Forget her. You need to move on and not look back. Do what it takes to get your life on track again. If your studies are being affected, take a vacation with friends and clear your head first. Put things in perspective and you'll start to feel normal again soon.
hiten asked, my friend is a drug addict ,he is not ready to see a doctor,all friends,his parents try their best but he is not ready to listen wht to do,they thinking of disowning him
Love Guru answers, If they disown him, he'll probably end up dead. I would suggest taking the numbers of rehab centres in your city and going to meet professionals as well as former drug addicts who have managed to get over their addictions. They'll tell you what your options are and you can then think of a course of action to take.
Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today, people...till next week, all the best and take care!