'My wife refuses to give up her office lover'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on February 24 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi there, everybody! Welcome back to the Love Guru chat, feel free to share your relationship problems here and receive advice.
raghav asked, me n my wife both working in same organisation,there some time ,we make fun on each other or ,tht becomes the topic for our fights,we both take office issues at home,asking her to shift somewhere else,but she saying me ,wht to do
Love Guru answers, Look, a couple working in the same office is usually a mistake. I don't know whether that's where you met, or whether you or your wife joined later, but I agree that one of you should move to another organisation. I'm just not sure how fair it is to ask her to make the move? Who's at the higher position here? Or if you share the same designation, which of you joined first? Don't argue about it -- weigh your options and decide between the two of you who should shift. Look to the advantage to both of you as a couple, not just one's benefit. And in the meantime, while you are working together, I'd suggest you make a pact not to poke fun at each other at work and not to speak about office work at home. That should help you dodge a few fights!
siddhanth asked, Hi Lg, my wife and me have been separated for almost a year , she filed a 498 case against me and also a dv case which are right now going on . I met her mausaji a couple of days back at a wedding and he was telling me that she is very upset about all this and wants to reconcile , i told him that i would think about it and get back .. Now for the last three days my wife is calling me and says she is sorry and wants to come back , she says she will withdraw the case etc... i am now in a thought as to how to react one advice is that it may be a ploy others say that she may be wanting to get back .. after the cases were filed i was very shattered , pl do also advice what should i do ?? thanks in advance
Love Guru answers, Misuse of the dowry law is no small matter. Why did she file it if there was no basis for her to do so? Was she under pressure from her family? If she's saying that she's sorry and wants to come back, I don't see how it can be a ploy, though -- what do you think she's going to do after reconciling that you're suspicious? If you want to save your marriage, tell her you don't mind discussing a reunion, but tell her to drop the case first. She shouldn't use it as a bargaining chip. If she's serious about coming back, she should make her intentions clear by clearing your name before anything.
myname asked, my wife is cheating on me. she has an affairs with another man in her office. i have seen her sms on many occasion and have even warned her. But she continues to do so. She always keeps her activities secret. We have a kid and in the interest of baby and elders who will get effected,in the event of split, I am keeping mum. what should i do
Love Guru answers, Staying in a marriage just to keep the peace is not a solution. She obviously doesn't think you will call her bluff by walking out on her and so she continues to take advantage of you. Put your foot down -- tell her that either it's her marriage or her lover. She can't have both. If she still continues to see him on the sly, walk out. Don't you deserve a chance at real happiness or do you want to be an unhappy husband for the rest of your life? And it's not in your child's interest to be brought up by parents who don't get along.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
Image: 'My wife refuses to give up her office lover'
'My sister has a boyfriend, but she doesn't confide in me'
mackiee asked, my and my girls friends parents are agreed for our marriage.. but we fight a lot (me and my gf) for very small small thing from last 6 years. can u tell to avoid it..... we are togather from last 6 years some time it is nice to fight for small reasons but sometimes it got massacre
Love Guru answers, You haven't said so, but I'm guessing that these spats of yours have a kind of tit-for-tat pattern. Each of you thinks of getting back at the other over something irrelevant in the bigger scheme of things. 'She said this last week so I'll say this now.' 'He did that last month so I'll do this now.' And then when your partner expresses displeasure, you pounce on his/her mistake from before. Stop it. Compromise is your only way out. Let the little things go. The next time you open your mouth to disagree with her over something trivial, think better of it and shut it again. If you start letting go, she will ease up too.
macroh asked, hi lg, I think my sister is in love with someone. I try to occassionally check with her (indirect means) but somehow she is trying to hide facts. These days she is not participating in my family's daily chitchats nor pays attention to any thing happening around? How can I take things forward
Love Guru answers, She obviously doesn't trust you to keep her secret, although I don't know why. You can try explaining to her that you only want to know what's going on in her life and support her through it. You need to gain her faith if you want her to be honest with you -- maybe she's worried you'll rat on her to your parents or interfere in some way? Or maybe she knows you'll react unfavourably? You can promise to keep her secret, but remember, you'll have to keep your word even if what she tells you is not what you want to hear.
Brit asked, My wife was diagnosed with cancer about 6 years back. She is fully recovered with treatment. But she has completely lost interest in any sort of sex. Though I love her very much, it is difficult to cope without any physical relation whatsoever. I find myself wondering about having affair with one of my colleagues though I have not made the slightest approach. What should I do? I am 42
Love Guru answers, Explain how you feel to your wife, leaving out the part about wanting to have an affair. Tell her you're sexually frustrated and miss being intimate with her and it's driving you to distraction. If she loves you as much as you love her, I'm sure she'll understand. Maybe consulting a sex specialist will help -- she's been through a lot and may need professional aid getting back to a normal, healthy sex life.
firstname.lastname@example.org asked, hi! love guru. my boyfriend is very practocal in life & he takes each & every thing very practically. He says that if his parents do not approve our marriage in future we'll have to forget each other. For me this is not possible as i love him deeply.hHow to make him commit.
Love Guru answers, That's not practical, it's cowardly. How convenient -- his parents say no and he dumps you overnight after years of dating instead of standing up for his love and choice of life partner. Where does that leave you? Nursing a broken heart. Either he agrees to stand by you right now or else you end the relationship. Trust me, it will hurt far more if you wait for years to find out whether his parents think you worthy enough for their precious son or not.
hai asked, hai i have love with one girl near to my home she is also having love with me she told like that but my problem is 1 week back her chikkappa is seened me in her home when the door is closed and he (chikkappa) told to her mon regarding that and then her mom asked her y he is here and y you closed that door like that. my question is is there any dout araises in her mother mind, and one thing iam very close to there family.
Love Guru answers, I don't know who this 'chikkappa' of hers is, but it's not like you were holed up in the bedroom together! You went over to visit and she shut the front door -- big deal! Don't sweat it. And since you're so close to her family, I don't see why you both don't bring your relationship out into the open instead of hiding it? I'm sure they'll be happy about it.
Image: 'My sister has a boyfriend, but she doesn't confide in me'
'I feels so much guilt over an affair I want to confess'
ankit123 asked, Hi Lg, i am married since one year..we stay in a joint family with parents and elder bro nd his wife.. I luv everybody very much.. but my wife keeps on feeling jealous and left out for anything that i do like buying a birthday gift for my bhabhi etc.. for anybody else in the family besides her..she bcomes very angry and keeps on crying.. i dunno how to handle.. pls help
Love Guru answers, She obviously doesn't want you paying more attention to any other family member besides her! You need to explain to her that you love her but you also love your family and she should not misinterpret your gestures towards them. Also, you could include her in things like buying them gifts etc -- that way, it's a present from both of you and she'll feel like part of the family instead of like an outsider looking in. And I'm sure they will return the favour, which will also make her feel good. A little extra attention from you at the side and including her in everything should solve this problem.
medha asked, In my husbands office theres a girl working in purchase she always talk with my husband in office and at home also talks for about 2 to 3 hrs i know my husband loves me but i feel insecure what to do
Love Guru answers, When you say she talks to him for two-three hours from home, you mean it's happened just a couple of times or it happens every day? Office banter is one thing, but your husband's time at home should be spent with you, not gabbing on the phone for hours on end with a female friend! Explain that to him clearly and tell him that while you trust him, platonic relationships have their boundaries.
vidhi asked, I was in a relationship that's probably never took off. I was madly in love, but the girl always had a controlled approach for me. I even offered her marriage bt she declined it saying her family excuse. I am a north Indian, while she is maharashtrian. That year both of us got married, but we always kept on talking over phone and meeting sometimes. She has a kid also now. After 3-4 yrs of her marriage, we got involved physically with each other. But she never admitted to the fact that she still loves me. Last month I came back to city and requested for a meet, she did not find time for it. That angered me, and we had some arguments after which she is not ready to meet me. Mind you, that she is married for last few yrs and still we were meeting. But why is she avoiding meeting me. We know each other for the lst 10 yrs. And we both trust each other.
Love Guru answers, She probably didn't meet you because she couldn't find the time. She has a family, remember? As do you. This meeting up now and then just to have sex and chatting on the phone is going nowhere. All it will do is ruin your family life. And mind you, she's never said she loves you. Maybe she does, or maybe she's just unhappy in her own marriage and turns to you for the sake of familiarity and comfort. I would say end this dalliance, because it's not going anywhere.
ashish asked, I was in love with a girl 10 yrs back, but couldn't tell her. we both get married to different persons. and both got divorced due to individual reasons. We recently had telephonic converstaions. she seems intereted in me, but not clarifying her stand on me. I still love the girl, but does not know, how to proceed. Please guide
Love Guru answers, You're single, she's single. Take the initiative and ask her to meet up. See how your date goes and then ask her out again. Take it naturally instead of talking about your feelings right at the beginning. Rediscover each other and then see how to take it forward.
gabbar asked, Hi LG, I am a married man, I had an extra marital affair too... & I love my wife very much, I want to tell my wife every thing about it, but i am scared that she will leave me, I have left the extra woman in my life allready, but the guilt is in my mind every time, pls. help me...
Love Guru answers, Look, there are two ways of looking at this. Some people believe that you should think of the effect such revelations will have on your partner. It's certainly going to devastate your wife. If you're truly repentant about what happened and never intend to let something like that happen ever again, you can keep it to yourself and try to make it up to her by being a good husband. But if you ask me personally, I believe you should tell her. Even if she walks out on you. Because at the end of the day, it's still a deception. You committed the crime, now face the consequences. If she loves you, although she may be very hurt, I think she will eventually appreciate your honesty about it and forgive you. Because you do seem pretty cut up about the whole thing. And you can promise to spend the rest of your life making it up to her.
Image: 'I feels so much guilt over an affair I want to confess'
'I said no, but I changed my mind -- now he won't reply'
rajni asked, few months back a guy asking me for marriage but than i decline him due to caste issue,but now i find him suitable for me i don,t know how to convince my family,thn i send him a msg ,but i didn,t get any reply
Love Guru answers, Get a reply from him first and then think of trying to convince your family. You obviously saw something in him that appealed to you and maybe they will see it too.
Jim asked, Hello,,I caught my wife cheating on me.We have been married for 6 years and going around for 15 years.She was having an affair with a colleague of hers in office a guy much younger than her...Although she apologized and confessed everything....i knew everything otherwise too...The fact that she had physical relationship with him is killing me...I am not able to forget that...I have forgiven her but I am not able to forget the fact that she cheated lied and did a lot of bad things...Please suggest what shud i do..Life is not the same anymore and it will never be..I feel like running away from the entire world...please suggest
Love Guru answers, If you've forgiven her and you're both trying to work towards saving your marriage, I think a couples counsellor will be able to help you through your issues. Restoring trust in a partner who has cheated is very difficult, I know, but with a commitment and additional aid from a professional, you'll be able to regain trust in each other and learn to let go of the past.
Karthik asked, Hi. I loved a girl. But she did not have the same feelings for me. I respected that and decided to move one. But she never allowed me to move away from her and forced me to stay as her friend. I had to be with her for more than one year. I got shifted to another city and stopped contacting her. But few days back she contacted me (somehow managed to get my number) and broke the news of her engagement. I thought I have moved on but this news really made me to feel bad and I feel like a loser. Kindly advice me.
Love Guru answers, Why do you feel like a loser? You're in a new city, about to start a new life -- wish her all the best and then wave goodbye to your past! It's time you started dating other women -- she's no longer around for you to hang around with and miss out on opportunities.
gagan asked, hi Love Guru, i m gagan, i m 34, i m from delhi, i m married and having kid too, i like one girl who is just 21, i don't want to spoil my married life and i never had any kind of physical relationship with this girl, she also likes me but never intended to have any kind of physical relationship, but some days before she asked me a simple question which i don't have the answer, please help and let me know what should i say to her, her question was that can we kiss and smooch and she promises that she will not expect more or ask for more.
Love Guru answers, Are you 12 that you actually believe that? Both of you will get carried away eventually and land up in bed together. You're already having an emotional affair, Gagan and that's bad enough before cheating physically too. End this whole messy business. Now. I would suggest ending contact with her completely.
Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today, people! Till next week, goodbye and take care! Till then, post your queries on the Rediff Love Guru Page.
Image: 'I said no, but I changed my mind -- now he won't reply'