Do men benefit MORE from live-in relationships?
Kuber Sharma explores the theory that live-in relationships are to men's advantage and provides a humorous take on why they really aren't. Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
For a lot of us men, they simply imply 'free love'. Yes, I am using an euphemism here, but you know what I mean. However, the small minority of men who have actually been in a live-in relationship know better.
Most people consider live-ins as being advantageous to men. Sure we can walk out of any such relationships without society labelling us and we can even wash our hands off any possible liabilities.
But guys, be afraid. Be very afraid of what you're getting into. Or at least know what you're getting into!
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Expecting her to bring you your two fried eggs with toast and coffee straight to bed? I suggest you burst your 'American TV shows' bubble yourself. In fact, being a modern man, you will be expected to cook. And cook well. Or at least have all the local Italian joints on speed dial.
Not only do modern women not cook, they don't even come home on time. Of course, you will have to rush home on days when they will be home early.
No, you cannot have your friends over every weekend either, 'cause her girls do not like your boys. You are obviously expected to love the girls' gang, unless you are not supposed to.
And the free sex will not be very free flowing either. It starts well. In time-honoured traditions, you must copulate in every room of the home as soon as you move in. But then things tend to slow down.
An entirely unscientific study recently showed that the number of orgasms went down by 44 per cent after a dozen odd Delhi men agreed to their girlfriends moving in with them. The alleged explanation was that once she's got all that she ever wanted, why would she try harder?
There'll be no more special occasions. No more quickies at the friends' parties. No more nooky getaways. In fact after the first few weeks, it'll be either monotonous or not at all. When Zuckerburg came up with the 'It's Complicated' relationship status, I'm sure he meant it for live-in relationships.
So no food and hardly any sex, and the story now takes a turn for much worse. Think of a live-in as a marriage, with all its chores but few of the perks. Now fixing light bulbs and emptying trashcans is okay. What is lacking is that sense of commitment. Since the buffer of the good old institution of marriage is not around, perfectly sane men have been known to turn into jealous ogres.
Blame your mother
You will meet her rich friends and her good-looking colleagues. The ones who are funnier and the ones she spends much more time with. You will have to live with late night Skype chats and early morning conference calls with a bevy of men, most of whom even you consider to be much better than you. And you still have to be nice to them or be labelled as 'controlling'. Or even worse, a 'needy guy'. Need I say any more?
I would like to blame my mother. And yours. It is because of all the expectations built up by the last woman we all lived with. She was happy to indulge us and still cleaned after us.
Learn to barter
So what's the idea here? Do not live-in with your partner? Naaah, I was just scaring you.
The fact is it just might be the best decision of your life. After all, it's about asserting your freedom to choose a partner and choosing the way you want to live.
Learn to barter chores and other niceties for fun in the sack. Enroll in couples' cooking classes, invest in some interesting sex toys and find out if the two of you are made for each other or not.
And as Nietzsche or his niece famously said, any experience that doesn't kill you makes you stronger.