As part of a light-hearted series, we bring you the lowdown on love in a truly unique fashion. Illustrations: Dominic Xavier

Hello there, losers in love (why else would you be reading this?)!

You're back yet again, to cross another set of eligible partners off your list because we say so. Now let's see -- journos, models, IT geeks, doctors and lawyers have all been bumped off faster than a mafia don's moll, but you're still hopeful.

Don't be. By the time we're through with this series, we'll have covered every single choice of career there is and you'll wind up alone with eight cats and a Saturday night sitcom to look forward to every week. Just like us. Where do you think we find the time to come up with all of this?

Anyhoo, we now come to the next illustrious profession -- teaching.

Yeah, all of us have had those school time crushes on the hot teacher that could make chocolate melt with the lilting tone of her voice

Sigh.

Sorry, lost track for awhile there. Coming back to things, however, it's very different dating a teacher in real life. You're not seven years old anymore; so pink puff-sleeved cholis probably don't turn you on.

Plus, you'll have the following to contend with -- here they are, the Hazards of Wooing a Teacher!

1. Prepare to be lectured after every argument

"You didn't do the dishes twice this week" can begin to sound like "You didn't do your homework twice this week."

And then will come the lecture -- oh, hell! The lecture on doing your best, putting your best foot forward and being rewarded suitably.

Deja vu is going to hit big-time as you start to discover that every argument and discussion ends up with you listening to that same tone and the same drone you came to detest in Class III. You may be tempted to put a fart-bomb under the kitchen table just to get back at him/her.

And yeah, we wouldn't think too much about the 'being rewarded suitably' if we were you, because it will probably mean a candybar or a gold star in your journal.

Let's just hope your teacher doesn't pull the cane out -- but more on getting spanked later. Not in a good way!

'Spends too much time at the office.'

'Didn't remember our anniversary last month.'

'Brought me flowers today.'

Heh heh.

A pros and cons list on your many -- er -- pros and cons wouldn't be too far out an idea. How else can your teacher grade you properly?

Look, they're used to analysing and evaluating behaviour all the time, so you better get used to it. Just hope s/he draws the line when it comes to bedroom performance, because flunking in that department may get you expelled!

No, no -- don't start turning the house upside down looking for your secret grading book just yet. There's more to come!

A teacher's job is to educate youngsters. And to be able to do that efficiently, you have to have some semblance of affection for the little rug rats.

Yes, even the ones that get caught trying to sell porn to their friends at school and carry beer in their water bottles.

So what has that got to do with you, you ask?

Like everyone else, even teachers have to bring their work home sometimes. And that work usually involves coaching some kids outside of school hours, so when you get home yourself to find little Manish is trying to push your cat out the window to see if it really does land on its feet, you can't do the same to him.

No, you have to explain to him gently, even as he proceeds to blow his nose into his hand and admire his bodily emissions, that it is wrong.

Then you can pat him on the head, go to your room and shoot yourself in the head.

Okay, this may make you cringe a little (or maybe a lot, but it's our duty to paint you the real picture here -- and budding Van Goghs that we are, we're going to make sure you get it loud and clear!).

Remember how the whole school used to swoon over Miss Sinha or Mr Sharma back when you were a kid? Even the principal used to step out of his office to get a whiff of her perfume when she walked by.

Hmmm.

So maybe the brats will not be your biggest problem, because besides their cute little childhood crushes, you may have the whole staff going nutty over your hot-lookin' teacher!

Nope, there's not a thing you can do about it.

You've probably said or heard it in your fantasies a hundred times.

(Mallika Sherawat tone) "Have you been a bad boy? You need to be spanked!"

And then the glasses get taken off and the hair gets shaken out (unless your professor hunk sports a crew cut, in which case the shaking may give him a teensy weensy migraine).

Face it -- you're way too chicken to actually ask that your teacher-turned-lover indulge in a little out-of-school role-play.

No, instead what you will get is all your friends saying it to you instead. Yup, you'll be ribbed all the time with well-worn jokes about getting spanked, having the hots for teacher and being naughty.

If you actually do muster up the guts to hint at it in the bedroom, don't be surprised if you're severely berated for poking fun at his/her career or being lewd.

And yeah, if the cane does come out over your outrageous suggestion, it won't be in a good way!

Ouch!