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Talking frankly about sex

Last updated on: February 24, 2011 18:03 IST

Talking frankly about sex


Dr Rajiv Anand

Talking or fantasizing about sex is a normal part of a healthy sexual relationship. Free and frank communication helps the relationship to grow more intense.

Often couples indulge in sex normally, but don't want to talk about it to each other. But discussing sex openly, uninhibitedly and respectfully can bring couples closer and enhance their enjoyment.

However, since what is normal to some may be deviant to others, it is also necessary for individuals to set boundaries.

Different people have different sexual needs and tendencies, such as being turned on by certain behaviors and gestures

Indians tend to be more conservative in this matter, but it is healthy for both partners to talk openly and honestly about their needs, likes and dislikes.

Talking about your desires can help you relax before making love and also build your confidence in each other.

Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh


Communicating openly

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When it comes to sex, individuals often fear that they may not be getting it right. Telling your partner, "I like the way you kiss my neck" or "I get turned on when you caress my back", will help your partner feel better about what he/she is doing and enhance your sexual performance and experience.

Equally important, tell your partner about your inhibitions or dislikes, whether of visible love bites, or of oral or anal sex. There is nothing wrong if you say, "When you bit me, it hurt, so can we do it more gently next time?"

But be gentle while communicating this, and emphasize what you like about your partner's lovemaking. Along with talking, it is important to listen to your partner too; in the throes of passion, you may be doing or saying things your partner is uncomfortable with.

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Talking as foreplay

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Of course, talking naughty is more than communicating likes and dislikes. Healthy sex talk between two adult partners can be a playful exchange which is titillating. This sets the mood for lovemaking and may be a part of foreplay that helps you have an enjoyable time in bed. In the absence of foreplay, lovemaking can become mechanical or even painful.
Sex talk before lovemaking can consist of an exchange of compliments about your bodies. This boosts each partner's confidence and increases libido. Telling your partner that you find him/her hot or sexy, or expressing in explicit terms how your partner arouses you, makes lovemaking enjoyable for both partners.

You may want to sound out fantasies, "I always wanted to role play in sex" or "I always wanted to make out under the stars" etc. This is healthy, eases sexual tension and helps in better performance.

But talking dirty during sex may not always be desirable. Some people may find it a turn-off and consider it offensive. Some partners also tend to be verbally abusive.

Fantasizing aloud about practices such as hurting your partner, self-hurting for gratification, cross-dressing or forced intercourse would be considered deviant sexual talk by most partners and this could harm the relationship. Being mindful about your partner's comfort levels or preferences is the key to maintaining balance.

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