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Gender Benders: The fairer sex wants less tech

Last updated on: February 9, 2011 18:21 IST

Why stop at mobile phones? Mitali Parekh has some interesting suggestions... you've been warned!

The panchayat of Lank village, near New Delhi, some time back banned unmarried girls from using cell phones to prevent them from eloping with their lovers. I can't help but agree vociferously. As an educated city rat, I can't tell you how much I miss captivity, ignorance and my chastity belt.

Why just cell phones, there are many more technologies womankind would be better without.

MP3 Players

Music makes women sway their hips, tap their feet and snap their fingers involuntarily, arousing men's passion and tempting them. It causes them to sing out loud, attracting more attention. A woman's virtue is her jewel, or as they say in north India: "She asked for it."

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Gender Benders: The fairer sex wants less tech

Last updated on: February 9, 2011 18:21 IST

Computers

And other devices of education and advancement, such as calculators, build false hope. When was the last time we needed a calculator to make subzi, roti and dal from scratch?

Or hitch up our saris and listen to our masters?

Not only do computers and the evil Internet increase potential for interaction with men who are not close family, they give us dangerous notions such as "Speaking your mind", "Education for all", and "Free will".

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Gender Benders: The fairer sex wants less tech

Last updated on: February 9, 2011 18:21 IST

Modern medicine

Pain builds character and birth difficulties turn a girl into a woman, sometimes a broken woman, but such is God's will. Birth complications keep numbers down (of women and children; and female babies).

Lately, everywhere you look, there are women walking on roads, taking public transport and even driving! This is because our population has grown unchecked and rationing medical facilities would be one way of keeping numbers in control.

This would also allow us to share our husbands our other sisters and give them a chance to hook up with the exceptional and enviable quality of men that India produces.

In fact, a rule should be passed that we be given medical attention, only under the supervision of a male relative and only if we are unable to cook or have sex. The dosage should be controlled such that we can finish these duties quickly and without the strength to talk through them.

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Gender Benders: The fairer sex wants less tech

Last updated on: February 9, 2011 18:21 IST

Facebook

Women on Facebook, with their self-portraits, blatant lists proclamations of activities and interests are a distraction. Without them, men would be free to poke each other in friendship.

Perhaps, Facebook can launch a sister zenana or viewing gallery within the main site which would allow women to watch the interactions of men but not take part. Eventually, this would also be filled with men, pretending to be women, watching and liking the poking.

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Gender Benders: The fairer sex wants less tech

Last updated on: February 9, 2011 18:21 IST

Fast cars and superbikes

Allows unaccompanied mobility. Women should only be allowed in close vicinity of a car or bike if they are wearing cut-off shorts and have tied their shirt under their moneybags.

They may then be allowed to lay provocatively on the bonnet or sit pillion, but only if accompanied by men.

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Gender Benders: The fairer sex wants less tech

Last updated on: February 9, 2011 18:21 IST

Household appliances

Modern amenities such as plumbing, running water and household appliances should only be used by men for their benefit, so that they are free to run the world and attend to the complexities of their sexuality (Dear Doctor, My member is two inches long, but looks bigger in moonlight. Also, I help myself three times a day and am losing hair because of it. Will I get AIDS? Please help).

Plus, unassisted housework keeps us indoors and occupied and so tired that in public, we are always disoriented and out of breath. It also puts us in close proximity of other women, increasing potential for the Ultimate Fantasy (Rated XXX).

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Gender Benders: The fairer sex wants less tech

Last updated on: February 9, 2011 18:21 IST

Digital cameras

While taking photographs, one has to bend, stoop, kneel and dip to capture a view at the right angle. None of these postures are conducive to the female form.

Also, it generates a woman's point of view of the the world around them, when they should be gazing at the ground when outside with their men.

A good woman should never expose herself to the camera; a bad woman should, all the time.

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Gender Benders: The fairer sex wants less tech

Last updated on: February 9, 2011 18:21 IST

ATMs and debit cards

Giving women access to money is like letting Marie Curie into school. Haven't we learnt from our mistakes?

These material things take us away from our true calling of keeping a clean home while looking like Victoria's Secret models.

Money is the root of all evil and once we get our hands on it, we start thinking about how to make more, where to spend it and how to make it grow. We also start evaluating our partners by measuring their bank balances, when we should be judging our man by how gentle he is with the belt and kerosene.

Say no to Windows

If you open one, there could be a man in there. So no way!

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