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Passion: The solution to a boring sex life

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January 05, 2009

As part of a relationship series to ensure you're lucky in love this year, we bring you an excerpt from Put Passion First by Carol Cassell, PhD. The author is a well-known expert in the field of sexuality and through this book, she aims to explain 'why sexual chemistry is the key to finding and keeping lasting love'.

Presented below are two sections from Part 4,Making Passionate Love Work For You.

Keeping 'Married' Sex as Spicy Hot as 'Singles' Sex

I'll say it for the umpteenth time: for a committed, passionate relationship to stay passionate, you need to be a passionate lover. An antiaphrodisiac for passionate sex is having the kind of sex you can set your clock by.

Granted, one of the benefits of being in a committed relationship is that you no longer are dancing to the tune of dating-mating music. But women who are married or in a marriedlike relationship are more frequently mentioning to researchers how rarely they have sex -- sweating, satisfying sex that ends with the crescendo of a mind-blowing orgasm. It seems that many women fake 'it' for any number of reasons � wanting to assure their partner's ego that he is a sexual hunk or, more simply, to 'get it over with' so they can watch a movie, see their favourite TV show, or finish their book. And apparently, their partners aren't very demanding either.

Stella Resnick, a well-known therapist from Los Angeles, gave a provocative presentation about sex and monogamy at the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality annual meeting in Las Vegas [Images]. She pointed out that monogamy, for all its merits, too often results in boring, predictable sex over time. However, she explained, you can avoid those monogamy doldrums -- think singles sex. Which means getting the mind-set of a sexy single woman by anticipating the sensual pleasures of going out on a date with the man in your life and looking forward to having great sex with him.

When you think in the mode of 'singles sex', Resnick says, "You take the time to select something sexy to wear that not only pleases him but makes you feel sexy and sensuous. You flirt. You are seductive. You feel attractive. What makes sex erotic is that you are playful."

This means you make the effort to make your bedroom inviting and sexy (candles, pillows, nice sheets and fluffy large guy towels in the bath). You bring out your most seductive ammo -- teddies, garters, bustier, slinky lingerie, or black lace thongs with tiny rhinestones spelling out something fun like 'You're My Daddy!' across your tush.

"Married sex," Resnick adds, "usually occurs in bed at night with the last bit of energy you have left before dropping off to sleep. No wonder it's not imaginative or energetic." But when in a single mind-set, Resnick suggests that sex doesn't start on a bed, although it may end there. "You get frisky in different places -- from the dining room to the car to the floor of the bedroom. Sometimes you are naked, sometimes half-dressed, sometimes only your panties are flung to the four winds."

'Married sex' brings to mind granny T-shirts, jammies with kittens on them, old coffee cups on the dresser, legs that need shaving, and waiting until after the late news to 'have sex'. Or worse, waking up to the TV droning on in the middle of the night and not remembering if you kissed him good night. I'm exaggerating here to make my point. Sex within a committed relationship has many wonderful things going for it -- from trust, to being sexually comfortable with each other to being in a snug and safe environment that allows you to have sex in its hottest and most pleasurable ways.

But no matter how much you and he love each other, having same-old, same-old sex is boring. Obviously not all couples who are in committed relationships are destined to have ho-hum sex. Still, to keep your sex life from snoozing off, you need to shake things up with sexy surprises and put back into play your sexually enticing skills, such as acting and dressing to tempt, attract and seduce him.

No, you don't have to be a sex kitten 24/7 (unless you want to), but you do need to pay attention when your sex life needs CPR to keep things alive and interesting.

What About Make-Up Sex?

How does make-up sex fit into the notion of keeping your sex life 'interesting'? You know, when a couple has great sex after a fight (not a physical fight but a fight in the sense of a heated disagreement). We've seen it a thousand times on TV and on movie screens. The couple is sputtering words at a rapid pace, screaming accusations, furious with each other. Then, in the middle of their shouting match, they stop, look startled and immediately begin to tear off each other's clothes. Next scene: they fall on top of each other to land on the floor or the bed or wherever their fury-fuelled passion leads them.

Make-up sex's reputation as 'great sex' is well earned. After a couple has a knock-down, drag-out shouting match, they're in a physiological state of arousal thanks to a surge of adrenaline. There is increased blood flow through the body, stimulation of the central nervous system, muscle contraction, elevated heart level, etc. They are, well, hot.

Ironically, some of our society's best features -- the belief in equality, fairness and tolerance -- can, in the bedroom, result in humdrum sex. Hot sex thrives on power plays, letting your emotions take over and pulling out all the seduction stops. Given that, it's easy to see why make-up sex is so torrid. (I'm not referring to forced or violent sex: the 'act' must have mutual and clear consent and respect for each other's desires and boundaries.)

Despite its ability to produce a heat wave, make-up sex doesn't always work as a way to take a sluggish sex life up a notch. It can't be more than a rare event, or it loses its kick. However, as an unexpected outcome of an argument it can provide a mega-dose of sexual excitement. Studies show that for some couples the intensity of reuniting after being angry with each other strengthens their feelings of intimacy.

Excerpted from Put Passion First (Rs 275) by Carol Cassell with the permission of publishers Tata McGraw-Hill.

Want to purchase the book online? Click here.

Also read:
Ladies, make yourself irresistible to men!

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