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Getting married? 4 important rules
Merlin Francis |
June 09, 2006
In Getting married? Ask these questions, we penned down five questions you need to tackle before saying 'yes'.
This time around, we give you practical tips on how to make your marriage work.
It helps to understand your own needs and expectations as well as those of your partner, so that you are on the same page once married.
It also is great to discuss practical issues like lifestyle habits, how many children you would like to have, religion (if it is an issue), in-laws, finances, careers, responsibilities and anything and everything that will become a part and parcel of your lifestyle, post marriage. Adjustments will be a whole lot easier.
However, despite all the planning, you can still expect some surprises. Here's a peek into what to expect.
Sorry dear, am not up to it!
While dating, your partner may readily accompany you to movies or parties s/ he never enjoyed. After all, the issue then was just to hang out together. Post marriage, don't expect the same. Your partner may not feel as inclined to participate in activities s/ he does not enjoy.
Don't let this dishearten you. Understand that there are other ways your partner may express their caring for you.
According to Bangalore based counsellor Wing Commander Dinesh Kumar, who has been counselling couples for nearly 14 years, "Giving each other personal space is very important."
You need not to do all activities together, especially if one of you does not enjoy them. Sometimes, the husband may just want to hang out with his buddies without the wife. Or, the wife could go out with her friends while he stayed home and read a book or cooked.
Disagreements are a normal part of any healthy marriage. Two different individuals coming together is bound to cause friction. Iron these out by keeping the channels of communication open.
Why do you hate my parents?
After marriage, your in-laws are a part of your extended family, whether you like it or not. Treat them with respect and regard. By making that extra effort to gel with your in-laws, you will win your partner's confidence.
However, if you feel your in-laws are crowding into your space on major issues to the extent that it bothers you, it would be best to tactfully discuss it with your spouse.
For example, if there is too much interference in how you should bring up your children or how your house should run, communicate this with your spouse. Don't take it up directly with your in-laws.
Mumbai based homemaker Deepti Pareek, 28, advises young people getting married not to fret too much. "There is bound to be some amount of tension with your in-laws initially. The best way is to communicate."
Will you stop blowing up cash?
A crucial but often ignored aspect: discuss your finances before marriage.
Disclose any financial commitments you have made and find out whether your partner is ready to share the burden. This does not just refer to home loans and personal loans but even loans you might have taken from a friend or relative.
Money has been the root cause for many broken marriages; it is important to have mutual trust in financial matters.
If both of you are working, disclose your incomes and plan how you can financially secure your future together.
Bangalore based marriage counsellor, Dr Veena Satish, who has been practising for more than a decade, advises married couples to "have a joint bank account to manage the household expenses in proportion to your earnings. Have a separate personal account for savings. This way, all the money is not at the risk of being spent or lost in wrong investments."
Veena K, 27, an IT professional working in a MNC, does not feel having separate or joint accounts is a big deal. "It doesn't matter whether you have separate accounts or joint accounts as long as you share the financial burden and are open about your spending," says this young woman who has been married for nearly four years.
Don't take me for granted!
Think of your spouse as a friend. A confidant. Do NOT take them for granted.
Thank her/ him when they do something for you. Surprise them on and off with gifts or just cooking up a great meal.
Make your spouse feel special and loved.
Last but not the least, there is no single recipe for marital success. Novelist John Berger once said, "All weddings are similar, but all marriages are different." Every couple must find their own formula. Go on and make your own!
Part I: Getting married? Ask these questions
What are the ingredients for a successful marriage? What advice would you give to newly weds? Share your thoughts with us.
How to spice up your relationship
When love strangles
New age courtship mantras
Quiz: Test your love!
Want to meet your match? Scout here