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Getting married? Ask these questions
Merlin Francis |
June 08, 2006
Sooner or later, most individuals decide they want to get married. Once they meet someone who comes closest to what they expect in a mate, they are confronted with a moment of reckoning.
'Can I spend the rest of my life with him/ her?'
Part II: Geting married? 4 important rules
It doesn't matter when, or where, you met this person. Whether you were dating or have been 'introduced'. The 'life' question does crop up and must be answered.
When Amit Gupta, 27, a marketing professional with an FMCG company in Delhi, fell in love, he decided to test the relationship for a while. He and his girlfriend lived together for a few months to see "if they were compatible." They apparently were, because they ended up getting married.
Since not everyone gets a mock test (or even believes in one) before marriage, how do you figure out if you should go ahead with the wedding plans?
Simple. Ask yourself some crucial questions before you walk down the aisle (or walk around the sacred fire).
Why are you getting married?
Take a close, honest look at yourself and your intentions.
Is it because your parents want you to?
Is it because you see your friends and colleagues tying the knot and think you should too?
Is it because you think marriage will help you get rid of personal insecurities or a bitter past?
Is it for financial security?
Bangalore based fashion designer Bindya Singh, 25, is of the opinion that the decision to marry should never be taken under any kind of pressure -- be it from parents, peers or personal insecurities.
When asked what prompted her to get married, she says, "I married Sunil because we shared a lot of common interests, we liked each other's company and, I guess, we wanted to grow old together."
What do you like (and dislike) about your partner?
Please don't marry someone only because you are physically attracted to him/ her.
As the wrinkles start to appear, you need more than physical attraction to keep a marriage going. It could be a sense of humour, a common love for books, a desire to travel, great conversations, whatever.
There will be differences. And you must spend time to find out where your differences lie and to what length you would go to make it work. This is important because, after marriage, when you start living together, even small differences can become a reason for misunderstanding. It would require a conscious effort from both sides to make it work.
If there is something about your partner you don't like, are you under the assumption you will get him/ her to change after marriage? In fact, a lot of youngsters tend to believe that, after marriage, they can change their partners and make them give up certain habits they dislike. This may not happen and you may end up fighting or else have to learn to live with those irksome habits.
How well do you know your partner?
It is said that you can never really know someone till you live with them. Agreed. But you can still get to know a lot by not living with them.
According to Bangalore based counsellor Wing Commander Dinesh Kumar, who has been counselling couples for nearly 14 years, a person's general behaviour with different people and situations can reveal a lot about his value system.
"How does he/ she treat waiters in restaurants -- politely or arrogantly? How does the person drive? Does he experience road rage or follow rules? Observe and you will get more insights into his/ her nature," says Kumar.
How does your partner behave in various situations? How does he treat his parents, siblings and friends? Most importantly, how does he treat the maids, drivers and other such help?
Have you delved into the past?
Be honest with your partner about your background and expect the same honesty from him/ her. You don't want old skeletons popping out of your partner's closet -- or yours for that matter -- every now and then.
Have you met his family and interacted with them? What do you think of his parents' marriage?
According to Kumar, "The parentage of the person is significant. This is because our idea of a marital relationship is formed on the basis of the model we see in our childhood. We tend to copy this model, with exceptions of course."
What is the relationship between your partner's parents? Is there mutual respect? For example, if the husband treats the wife badly, that could be the model their son will grow up with. Then again, it need not always be the case.
Do you stand to lose more than you gain?
What is this relationship costing you emotionally, socially and professionally? Are you expected to completely severe ties with your friends just because he/ she cannot stand them? Or with your family because they are dead against this marriage? Or give up your career to raise a family?
Are you ready to pay the price? Are you sure you will not regret it later and end up becoming frustrated in your marriage?
When Richa Mehra, 23, a public relations consultant, decided to marry, she was professionally well-settled in Mumbai. Besides, her friends, family and colleagues were all in Mumbai.
She says, "Moving to Bangalore and searching for a job all over again was a tough decision to take. But my husband is very supportive, encourages me and, in fact, pushes me to excel in my career. I knew that no matter where I lived, I would not need to compromise on my dreams."
The bottom-line: No one is saying that answering these questions is a surefire way to a successful marriage. But, by asking (and honestly answering) them, you will be able to make a more informed choice about the person you wish to spend the rest of your life with.
Part II: Geting married? 4 important rules
Are marriages made in heaven? What do YOU think one must keep in mind before taking the plunge? Write in with your tips and suggestions.
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