New Zealand batsman Lou Vincent is battling depression and doubts he will play international cricket again.
Vincent, taking anti-depressants and receiving help from a clinical psychologist, said he believes he has been suffering from the illness for some time before he was diagnosed.
"For as long as I can remember I've been riddled with self-doubt, I've had no self-belief, and I've just been hating the guy I've seen in the mirror," he told New Zealand's Sunday Star Times.
"I remember so many days that should have been great days, when I've gone home, slumped over a chair and thought 'I just hate this and I hate myself'.
"I was beaten by it. I was completely beaten by it, I let I get to me and it just took over. Until you have been through it, you can't imagine how bad it is."
He was diagnosed with depression last December.
"I didn't really understand what depression was," the 29-year-old added.
"I just thought I was having another bad week here, or another bad couple of days there. I'd locked myself in my room, or in my house for days without talking to anyone but didn't realise it had anything to do with depression."
Vincent pulled out of all cricket before Christmas citing exhaustion but has since returned to domestic action with Auckland.
He does not know whether he will play international cricket again.
"I still like the idea of playing overseas in the future," he said. "But the main thing for me in terms of my cricket is to continue enjoying my time with Auckland and be as successful as possible for them."
England batsman Marcus Trescothick pulled out of the Ashes tour in 2006 due to depression and Australia fast bowler Shaun Tait retired indefinitely last month, citing mental exhaustion.
Former All Blacks winger John Kirwan admitted after he finished playing that he had suffered from depression and has fronted public awareness campaigns on the condition.