Letter of the Day

Dear England Team,

We are getting ready for yet another series. So what if we are at the bottom of the Test rating, our management has already declared that we are the best team and our captain is optimistic that our youngsters are maturing every day.

Do you know now we can also eat some English food other than roti and naan , and still not get a stomach upset? Well, we have Mr.Tendulkar to match your team player-to-player. We carry his bag to make a team of playing XI. We have Mr.Dravid who can be a wall of great strength that even our Agni II cannot knock down. Do you know that he can go on and on, forever even without making runs? So what if we do not make runs, we are taught that Test matches test the patience. Mr.Dravid can test the patience of your team bowlers.

You know what, we have a captain who is practising to win tosses. We have decided to win all the tosses no matter who spins the coin. Kapil has branded our Ganguly as "Toss losing captain". Mr.Ganguly will again help to sharpen the skills of your slip fielder. Now that he has improved to encounter deliveries pitched high on the off, he is expected to give more difficult chances in the slip region than the straight forward one that he is used to offering.

We have bowlers who you all never know how they bowl in bowler friendlier pitches. For that matter, even they are not aware how they will bowl, but they will make sure that they will swing the ball on either side of wicket far enough for our Ajay Ratra to hold on. We also picked Mr.Agarkar, and this time he has promised not to score a duck. So your team should be watchful of Mr.Agarkar.

Our turbanator has promised to have a bagfull of wickets. If he cannot take wickets, he will atleast carry the stumps back to pavilion after the end of the day. In the middle we have Mr.Das, who can open with Jaffer. Since our great Mr.Gavaskar has said that, Mr.Das has the quality of an opener, those qualities were hidden till now and will be unveiled on your home ground.

You might not see the best of Mr.Kumble as Mr.Ganguly will like to serve him in the nets than bowl at the real 22-yards strip.

We have Mr.Laxman who can play well with his wrist and can be dangerous till he scores 20 or 30 runs. Since he has already fared well in the Caribbean and the spectators there have enjoyed, and so English spectators are bound to miss his grace.

We have Mr.Mongia and Mr.Kaif, who we will shield from the Test series for unknown reasons. Believe me, we will give some excuses later. Our tail may not wag, it is not that our bowlers cannot bat, it is just that they are paid only to bowl and batting does not fit their job description.

Beware England, our team has committed to do whatever it takes to finish the tour as scheduled. Win or lose our team will come home with pride that your team cannot dent. The West Indies were happy after beating us, because they were white-washed many times in the last decade and thought they have hurt our confidence by winning the series 2-1. Alas, they never knew we are used to losing outside our turf, so you cannot hurt us no more.

Krishnan, Ramkumar